I’m Bringing Loser Back …

I think I am retarded.
No.
Scratch that.
I know I am retarded where he’s concerned. (If you’re scratching your head right now, please check out the previous two posts.)

I keep seeing him on MSN. Here’s where my retardedness ensues. My heart screams for me to talk to him, to say that I was just having a bad day when I sent that email. But my head, yes it keep telling me that I deserve to be treated better and that email needed to be sent to end the cycle. It seems the only thing the two agree on is that I want to hear from him again. For my head it’s because it wants closure and for my heart it’s because there is a flicker of hope that maybe something can be salvaged.

And now you understand why I am retarded.

I’m writing about it here because I am tired of talking about it to people. I don’t understand how my mind functions regarding him – I don’t expect others to either. The stupid thing is that if he picked up the phone and called me I’d forgive and forget. It’s such a simple act … apparently to him, I am not worth that. If this was a story that I wrote he would. But I have learned that life does not mirror stories. I guess that’s why it is called fiction. See, if he called it would be something out of the dumb cycle we’ve gone over for the past three years. It would show me that he has changed.

I was telling Brianna the other day that this is what will happen. I will stress about this for another month, then move on. About three months from now, when it has been resolved in my mind he will pop back up. There is a reason I refer to him as a whack-a-mole; just when you think the game is over he pops back up.

Tonight I close with Andy. Three hours of hangout time with the guy I have a crush on. I’m anxious to see what happens. I haven’t talked to him since buddy popped back up and maybe that’s why I am so stupid right now. Andy always makes me feel at ease. If nothing ever develops, he’s a good friend.

But I’ve decided to turn the whack-a-mole situation into a story. A little scared to do so because it will be exposing my heart and soul to the world. I think it will be the final thing I need for the healing to be complete. Writing is how I deal with things. It helps me sort stuff out and there is a piece of me in each of my characters.

No Where to Hide
–the stalker represents all the wierd guys I have ever attracted. They’re all rolled into one, very unstable guy. Nic is a lot darker than any of the psychos that have had crushes on me. I think he represents my fears more than anything.

– Emma. She annoys me because of how unassertive she is. But she was me when I was going through a rough time.

Awake in a Dream
–Brooklyn’s search to find her place echoes how I feel a lot. The “there’s got to be more.” feeling.

Who knows where this new story will take me.