Starts With Goodbye

There’s a song by Carrie Underwood that I adore called Starts With Goodbye. It kind of sums up how I feel about the situation with the guy I posted about. I seriously have the most amazing friends ever. If it wasn’t for Brianna and Katie I don’t know that I would have had the strength to send him the email I did.

I hate giving up on people and he always confuses me. I deserve better than what he’s ever given me. It’s not that I am giving up on him, but he needs to earn my trust, my friendship. I don’t want to talk about salad and orange juice with him on MSN. It takes no effort for people to chat online. It’s the same story over and over. He shows up when he wants, messes with me and then disappears. I’m no longer sitting by my computer waiting. He made me happy, sad, angry, confused and frustrated. Somewhere between ranting to Brianna it dawned on me – I allowed him to do that.

So I took everything I felt and I put it into words – and then I emailed it to him. That was two days ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I think he’s giving me my space, but I don’t think it’s over. Any ways, not sure if anyone ever reads this thing, but here’s the email I sent.

I don’t know how to start this, or even where it will end. But I think it needs to be said.

You said you were scared at Christmas and that’s why you backed out of getting together. Now it’s my turn to be scared. When I said you hurt me, I meant deeply. The reason I emailed you that first time was because I felt this connection with you. I knew if I didn’t email you I’d always wonder about it. I saw someone I wanted to get to know better, someone I wanted to be friends with.

That year was one of the hardest of my life. It made me grow up a lot. For years all I ever wanted from you was friendship. Yes, I liked you as more than that, but that is all I wanted to pursue. Time after time we would talk about getting together and something would always come up on your end of things. Each time it killed me. Because like it or not I gave you a piece of my heart. I opened up and let you see me in time of great weakness. I don’t do that a lot. But I felt like I could trust you.

In your attempt to keep from hurting me you hurt me even more. I trusted you, as a friend, with a piece of my heart. That piece wasn’t taken care of. It hurt, but I moved on. I had to. Then you randomly pop back into my life and mess it all up. I can’t stop wondering why you bothered to talk to me four months later, and what you are looking for. Because the thing is I don’t want to go down this road again.

I don’t think I could bear having you break another piece of my heart. Or to wonder why I’m always the girl that guys joke around with but never pursue. I’m scared that if I talk to you I will end up falling for you all over again. I know that my heart can’t take that. It couldn’t bear to be hurt by you again.

Talking to you on MSN brings back too many memories. I don’t want to go back to that place where I feel like I care more about you than you do me.

I want a reason to trust you. I want to believe that you have changed. I want to know what you’re looking for from me. And more than anything I want you to understand that I don’t know if I can do this again. I’m not saying that I’m closing the door, just looking for a reason to keep it open.