I’m Bringing Loser Back …

I think I am retarded.
No.
Scratch that.
I know I am retarded where he’s concerned. (If you’re scratching your head right now, please check out the previous two posts.)

I keep seeing him on MSN. Here’s where my retardedness ensues. My heart screams for me to talk to him, to say that I was just having a bad day when I sent that email. But my head, yes it keep telling me that I deserve to be treated better and that email needed to be sent to end the cycle. It seems the only thing the two agree on is that I want to hear from him again. For my head it’s because it wants closure and for my heart it’s because there is a flicker of hope that maybe something can be salvaged.

And now you understand why I am retarded.

I’m writing about it here because I am tired of talking about it to people. I don’t understand how my mind functions regarding him – I don’t expect others to either. The stupid thing is that if he picked up the phone and called me I’d forgive and forget. It’s such a simple act … apparently to him, I am not worth that. If this was a story that I wrote he would. But I have learned that life does not mirror stories. I guess that’s why it is called fiction. See, if he called it would be something out of the dumb cycle we’ve gone over for the past three years. It would show me that he has changed.

I was telling Brianna the other day that this is what will happen. I will stress about this for another month, then move on. About three months from now, when it has been resolved in my mind he will pop back up. There is a reason I refer to him as a whack-a-mole; just when you think the game is over he pops back up.

Tonight I close with Andy. Three hours of hangout time with the guy I have a crush on. I’m anxious to see what happens. I haven’t talked to him since buddy popped back up and maybe that’s why I am so stupid right now. Andy always makes me feel at ease. If nothing ever develops, he’s a good friend.

But I’ve decided to turn the whack-a-mole situation into a story. A little scared to do so because it will be exposing my heart and soul to the world. I think it will be the final thing I need for the healing to be complete. Writing is how I deal with things. It helps me sort stuff out and there is a piece of me in each of my characters.

No Where to Hide
–the stalker represents all the wierd guys I have ever attracted. They’re all rolled into one, very unstable guy. Nic is a lot darker than any of the psychos that have had crushes on me. I think he represents my fears more than anything.

– Emma. She annoys me because of how unassertive she is. But she was me when I was going through a rough time.

Awake in a Dream
–Brooklyn’s search to find her place echoes how I feel a lot. The “there’s got to be more.” feeling.

Who knows where this new story will take me.

Starts With Goodbye

There’s a song by Carrie Underwood that I adore called Starts With Goodbye. It kind of sums up how I feel about the situation with the guy I posted about. I seriously have the most amazing friends ever. If it wasn’t for Brianna and Katie I don’t know that I would have had the strength to send him the email I did.

I hate giving up on people and he always confuses me. I deserve better than what he’s ever given me. It’s not that I am giving up on him, but he needs to earn my trust, my friendship. I don’t want to talk about salad and orange juice with him on MSN. It takes no effort for people to chat online. It’s the same story over and over. He shows up when he wants, messes with me and then disappears. I’m no longer sitting by my computer waiting. He made me happy, sad, angry, confused and frustrated. Somewhere between ranting to Brianna it dawned on me – I allowed him to do that.

So I took everything I felt and I put it into words – and then I emailed it to him. That was two days ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I think he’s giving me my space, but I don’t think it’s over. Any ways, not sure if anyone ever reads this thing, but here’s the email I sent.

I don’t know how to start this, or even where it will end. But I think it needs to be said.

You said you were scared at Christmas and that’s why you backed out of getting together. Now it’s my turn to be scared. When I said you hurt me, I meant deeply. The reason I emailed you that first time was because I felt this connection with you. I knew if I didn’t email you I’d always wonder about it. I saw someone I wanted to get to know better, someone I wanted to be friends with.

That year was one of the hardest of my life. It made me grow up a lot. For years all I ever wanted from you was friendship. Yes, I liked you as more than that, but that is all I wanted to pursue. Time after time we would talk about getting together and something would always come up on your end of things. Each time it killed me. Because like it or not I gave you a piece of my heart. I opened up and let you see me in time of great weakness. I don’t do that a lot. But I felt like I could trust you.

In your attempt to keep from hurting me you hurt me even more. I trusted you, as a friend, with a piece of my heart. That piece wasn’t taken care of. It hurt, but I moved on. I had to. Then you randomly pop back into my life and mess it all up. I can’t stop wondering why you bothered to talk to me four months later, and what you are looking for. Because the thing is I don’t want to go down this road again.

I don’t think I could bear having you break another piece of my heart. Or to wonder why I’m always the girl that guys joke around with but never pursue. I’m scared that if I talk to you I will end up falling for you all over again. I know that my heart can’t take that. It couldn’t bear to be hurt by you again.

Talking to you on MSN brings back too many memories. I don’t want to go back to that place where I feel like I care more about you than you do me.

I want a reason to trust you. I want to believe that you have changed. I want to know what you’re looking for from me. And more than anything I want you to understand that I don’t know if I can do this again. I’m not saying that I’m closing the door, just looking for a reason to keep it open.

I You Were Forever Gone …

I thought you were gone.
I thought you had walked out of my life.
I was OK with it.
Why did you have to come back?
Now what made sense is,
Complicated

Ever meet someone that as hard as you want to permanently kick them out of your life, you can’t? Because you can’t escape that there’s this connection. You tell yourself that it’s nothing. That was a friendship that has parted ways. No matter how much you ache, you keep granting second chances because you hope that maybe, this time they will step up and be the person you know they can be.

That’s how I feel about him.
And I hate it.
I hate it because I thought I had moved on in liking someone else. Granted that someone else doesn’t like me back, but the act of getting the crush meant something. At least it did to me.

He had my heart for three years. For three years all I ever asked was his friendship. I knew I wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship, and I knew that friendship was all he saw in me. He was a blank screen that I could pour my fears about surgery and life out to. I didn’t have to see someone pittying me. So I kept running to him, as a friend. He kept walking away. He built a wall between us and in the end I don’t know that he ever really saw me.

One day, out of the blue he made this huge deal online about how he and I were only destined to be friends. I was hurt, because that was all I was ever after. He asked if he could be my travel companion again, I said no. Then I never heard from him. I told myself he was using me. I gave up.

On Boxing Day (December 26) he randomly called me and said he was in town, did I want to get together. I reluctantly agreed. He called me the next day as I was on my way out the door to work and begged me to call back later. I did. At 11:00 at night. We decided to meet up for coffee the next morning. He asked me to call him when I got up. I did. There was no answer. I left a message. I never heard back.

Until yesterday.

He messaged me on MSN.
Here are some excerpts.

HIM:
I have to tell you somethin… I just got real nervous at Christmas time and I’m sorry we didn’t hook up

ME:
I see
I was hurt, but wasn’t surprised to be honest.

HIM:
damn, that’s not good at all
I have been wanting to talk to you for a long time, I feel like there is a lot on the line

ME:
I don’t mean to sound harsh but you have often made me feel like I am nothing more than an afterthought in your life. We talk about getting together to hang out as friends but other plans always pop up for you. All I’ve ever really wanted was your friendship, but after Christmas I don’t even know if having you randomly pop in and out of my life is worth it

HIM:
At Christmas it was totally family that occupied my time and like I said I got nervous. I’ve been hesitant with you because I respect you. I don’t want you to get hurt and I’ve been trampled (it feels like) in the past few years. I’m growing out of it and learning how to trust people again. I’m sorry for the way I made you feel Melinda. That really sucks.

ME:
I get that family comes first, they do with me too. What bothered me is that you called me, you know? You knew how busy it was going to be. I had no idea you were in town and wouldn’t have if you didn’t call. But you did, not once but twice. And the entire time I was really skeptical because I hadn’t heard from you since I said no to letting you be my travel companion again.

HIM:
I actually closed my msn account in the fall because of so much spam going to my email address. But there is still no reason, I could have picked up the phone
The travel companion thing is not an issue at all for me. That’s not why you hadn’t heard from me. That was a total blessing at the time
I’ve been sorting out the issues from my last relationship. I’ve been single for a while now, it’s good, getting control of my life back. I did call you twice and there is a reason for that. I just got scared.
This may sound nuts but if you ever want to visit in Toronto, you are welcome any time. Even if we just had dinner or hung out for the day on the weekend. It’s totally up to you. I could meet you at the airport.

ME:
We’d have to see. There’s some major tears in this friendship, at least from where I’m standing, that would need to be repaired first

HIM:
that’s cool – can we talk about it?

ME:
I thought that’s what we were doing

HIM:
this is true
I guess I’m just saying if you have anything else you need to say I’m listening

ME:
It’s just you hurt me, a lot. And I find myself needing to be more guarded with you now

HIM:
Tell me when and how? Please…
That’s not good.

ME:
When you went into that huge conversation where you felt the need to tell me that you and I were destined to be just friends I was insulted. Not because I wanted something more, but because that’s all I had ever pursued with you. I KNEW that’s all you wanted and I had always been cool with that. Your friendship was huge when I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. I think the crush lasted as long as it did because of some of the things you said to me. I thought it was your way of encouraging me and tried not to read things into them, but it was hard not to. Then finding out that you had feelings for me briefly during that time killed me. I know that’s not what you were doing, but it felt like you had toyed with my heart. And then I just didn’t hear from you. Which gave me way too much time to mull over everything you had ever said to me. But to be honest, the day all those feelings vanished was the day you came off the plane, looked at my scar and told me that I could always get plastic surgery to fix that. I hate giving up on friendships, and I kept hoping that ours could somehow last, despite people telling me to walk away from it. Because that’s not who I am. But after you made that huge deal about us being friends and then I never heard from you again I couldn’t help but wonder if the friendship thing was all for show. That as soon as you learned the crush was over that you no longer needed me in your life. That I had been used to enflate your ego. I want you to know that I’m not angry anymore. I know these words can definitely look that way, but I’m not.

HIM:
I’m an idiot.

ME:
If anything I just hurt for a friendship I wonder if can ever be repaired. So I told myself that you had just used me, because making you into a villan hurt less. I told myself that you liked having that girl waiting off to the side that liked you because it felt good. That you only wanted me around so you could fly cheaply and that you wanted to make sure I was aware that all you really wanted was friendship because you felt guilty for stringing me along. And in the process of trying to forget our friendship I learned a lot about myself. So I should thank you for that. And the thing over Christmas was the final straw. Something Shawn said made me assume you two had talked about me. I don’t know if it was you he had talked about me with but I just figured because of you randomly calling me. I remember thinking, “I guess I was never good enough to even be your friend, but no one else is good enough for me either.” I guess all I really wanted to know was what you wanted. Why did you call me on Boxing Day?

HIM:
Shawn and I did talk about you. Nothing bad at all. What did he say to you?

ME:
that I was a quality girl, the type you’d want to build a future with. It’s just the last time the two of you had chatted about me you got wierd

HIM:
I wanted to see you and be able to talk and get to know each other better. There are a few things that have made me hesitant and in turn have hurt you. Distance, being in a relationship, fresh out of a relationship and in terms of just being friends and keeping in touch, the last relationship I was in… she was just so controlling and a freak when it came to other females. What Shawn said is true. I do think you are a quality woman and I feel like… you wouldn’t cheat on me. And I have dealt with that in all of my relationships. I respect you Melinda. I just should have been more upfront with you. When we had the whole “friends” conversation, I did feel guilty, I’ve been confused and we have opened up to each other and that involves feelings. To be honest, when you and Debbie met me at the airport the first time a few years ago I couldn’t believe who was standing in front of me. And when you wrote me…
I started falling for you. But the f’ing distance and another winner I dated… I’ve been learning about myself quite a bit this last year. Like digging deep and doing my best to confront the issues in my life. I’m sorry I was so insensitive when I mentioned your scar. Sometimes I say really stupid or blunt things without thinking. Trust me, I was not grossed out or anything like that. I’m almost positive that I said it because you had mentioned it and I thought I should say something stupid like that.
Damn

ME:
I almost punched you when you said it. Because I am proud of it. I think I told you that too.

HIM:
Ya I’m a dumb ass I’m sorry. You should have. I didn’t mean any harm.

ME:
I figured it would look bad for a WestJetter to punch a guest. Why do WestJetter’s care so much? Don’t ask or you’ll feel their wrath

HIM:
Melinda you were never an ego booster for me at all. I always enjoyed our conversations and being able to confide in you. It became harder when I was dealing with the pain of being let down again. I didn’t want to talk to you about another girl for fear of hurting you. Something I also said to Shawn is that I feel like I’m too rough around the edges for a girl like you. I don’t know how your going to interpret that but…

ME:
It hurt more that you couldn’t confide in me when I could confide in you. I kind of felt like a one sided friendship

HIM:
I have a hard time opening up to people, it’s become harder to do so over the years but I’m definitely working on changing that. I think too it’s the fact that I was in this position where everybody was watching me because of the skate camps. So I was overly cautious.
…….
mmm do you feel better? Thank you for saying everything you said

ME:
It’s nice to finally have it off my chest.

HIM:
that’s good

ME:
I’ve been wanting to tell you it for a while

HIM:
ya I’m totally glad you did. I hope that we can keep in touch and get to know each other better. It’s funny because I feel like I know you but really I don’t at all.
……
I feel like your still pissed and that’s ok if you are

ME:
I’m not mad, but because of what happened I don’t really trust you. Like I said, I feel like I have to guard myself around you. I guess one of my faults is I trust too easily … but once someone looses that trust it takes a long time to earn it back

HIM:
ok, I understand. I’m truly sorry Melinda, I just should have been more upfront about how I felt in the beginning and a little more patient in general
_____________

He’ll always have a piece of my heart … I just don’t know if I can trust him to have anymore than he already does.

So here I am.
Confused and doubtful.
And I keep wondering why I always give him a second chance, and why he always comes back for it.

A Nothing Sort of Day – Perfect for Pondering

I had today off work, and being the productive person I am, I spent it in bed.

Granted, I’m not feeling the greatest – stupid headache. I think part of it is because I’m stressed, maybe a little scared.

I have a doctor’s appointment coming up. I know, it seems like such a simple thing. In many ways it is – I guess it’s more what the appointment represents.

See, it’s my yearly checkup with the cancer specialist. That’s right – I had cancer. It’s not something I talk about a lot because frankly, I don’t think it warrants my breath. See I lucked out, I found out I had cancer after it was all said and done. I’m no hero. The heros are those who wake up and know they have cancer and still choose to live life.

Each time I look in the mirror I see that scar across my neck. A scar that taught me much about myself and life. A scar that changed me in more ways than one. A scar I am eternally grateful for.

I know it seems silly, but it scares me to go back to this doctor. It’s like I have to accept it all over again. It’s funny how small things wrap themselves around you and seem impossible to shed.

There’s a few things like that for me. Things I would love to leave in my past forever.

Like the freaks I seem to attract. I thought I had moved past it until something Andy said to me at work. We were talking about his sore back and his less-than-relaxing experience with a massage therapist. I told him that my mom’s cure to any sore body part – from your back to your big toe is to sit in our hottub. He was slightly jealous that we owned one.

Then came the part of the conversation that I’m still mulling over. I mentioned that I seldom used it. He looked at me like I was insane and asked why, so out came the Steve story.

Steve liked me all through high school. Apparently he liked me in elementary school too, but moved to Texas. When he came back so did all his old feelings. No, this is not a romantic story. Steve was the type of guy who would come up and just grab me, basically pinning me against my locker and hold me against him. It was gross. It creeped me out. I didn’t matter how many times I said not to, he never listened.

During my first, and only year of university we were in two classes. He just knew things about my friends and I that we didn’t tell him. Like how to get to our homes without directions. And that I had a hottub in my backyard.

I know it seems silly, but I can’t sit out there alone without feeling his eyes on me. I know it’s all in my head, but I still feel it.

Andy told me I needed to get over it.

He’s right.

Maybe it’s different with guys though. It’s not the fact that Steve liked me that creeped me out. It was more how he acted on those feelings – that he invaded my privacy. I like to tell people about me and not have them just know those things.

Maybe I’m just crazy.

Hello Blog … I Forgot I Had You!

See this is why I should have never signed up for a blog …

I tend to tell people *cough* Brianna and Nicole *cough* what’s been going on in my random life and then forget to tell you all.

But then, I don’t think my life is all that interesting. Sure I have random conversations with people, but that is about the extent of my coolness.

I’ve decided I really need to get call display for my cell phone. When I bought it from this nerdy, British guy I just really wanted out of the store. He kept licking his lips and adjusting his tie. And just when I thought the sale was done … he fiddled with his fly. o__0

But someone keeps calling me and because I have no call display or voice mail I have no idea who and it’s starting to irritate me.

Yes, my cell phone is another possession I forget I have.

I essentially bought it so if I end up in a ditch sometime I can call for help.

Whorescope

I suppose you could call it payback. It’s either that or the fact that randomness seems to follow me wherever I go.

I had returned to the counter after working a gate and it was really quiet. So I started chatting with Andy. Somehow the conversation shifted to birthdays and how old people were. He started to tell me that his birthday was coming up and that he was trying to get rid of his shift so he could attend a concert. Then he nonchalantly glanced at me and asked when my birthday was.

“May.”

He rolled his eyes. “May what?”

“Seventh. Why?”

He grinned and looked at the paper. “Horoscope time.”

I’m not into the whole horoscope thing. I don’t want to know what “the stars” say is going to happen. My life is complicated enough without having some freaky predictions tossed into the mix.

Sabrina happened to be a Taurus too and was eagerly encouraging Andy to read it aloud. It was pretty blah. Same old stuff you usually find. No, the good horoscopes were hiding.

So he read everyone theirs, with great dramatic flourish. We were all laughing and defining what they meant. And then everyone started separate conversations. Andy and I continued chatting about how our parents have embarassed us, and how we will embarass our kids in return.

I honestly have the most random conversations with people. We talked about 80′s spandex biker shorts. Granted it was because his horoscope had mentioned something about being cool in the 80′s. Which led to me talking about the spandex shorts.

I know. I’m so cool.

And then Andy found what he had originally been looking for. The year long horoscope.

Mine was not simply a horoscope. No, mine was definitely a whorescope.

It said that I “know the difference between sex for money and sex” that to me “sex is like meat and potatoes.” And my idea of heaven is a “home cooked meal and a glass of wine.”

The freaking thing went on and on about me and my whoreish ways. My face was so red. Half way through it I looked at Andy and said, “You know you can stop anytime now.”

“No. This is too much fun.”

Apparently I have a quite the year ahead of me. o__O

When he was done Andy grinned at me. “Melinda, I had no idea.”

“You liked that didn’t you.”

He chuckled, marking the sex and love section with a star. “Wait until I tell everyone about this.”

“Oh joy. Like I don’t have enough freaks after me already.”

Payback sucks.

Yesterday I kept teasing him that he was in love with this girl we work with. She has about as much personality as celery. He told me that he would get me back. Stupid whorescope.

Why is mine skanky? His started with something about enjoying gadgets in the bedroom. Ew. That and his ankles turn him on.

There was something seriously wrong with this newspaper.

What’s that Sound? No Worries! Just me Feeding the Rumor Mill

So I’ve recently become friends with this guy at work. Now before you get all OOOO Melinda’s found love he’s married – with kids.

Any ways, after the Christmas party people were asking if I liked him. My response stayed the same, “Um … he’s married. Ew.”

Yes I respond with the maturity of a twelve year old.

Any ways, I enjoy chatting with him. He makes me laugh and when it comes to an email battle of the wits he’s one of the few people who can stump me – momentarily. If my work allowed me to copy emails I’d share some. They are quite amusing.

Any ways he likes to make this big thing about how we ignore him and the other maintenance guys. I tell him it’s because he’s sketchy and there’s a reason we sent them to the basement of the airport.

Our management decided to have an appreciation lunch, and to shut Eddie up, I decided to bring him and the other maintenance guys an invite. I dragged my friend Rachel along for the ride. She was very excited to step onto the ramp for the first time.

So I knocked on the door and stepped in announcing, “I have a present for you.”

He looks at the paper in my hand and then to Rachel. “Hi present.”

I hand him the paper. “No you dork, this.”

“Melinda, what did I tell you about being mean? What is this?” He reads the piece of paper.

I shrug, “Not sure. Free food?”

So we chat about the lunch and then he offered to give Rachel a tour of the office. Including that they are often neglected downstairs.

Next Day

So the next day I was in our baggage service office and noticed that maintenance had a ton of mail. Michael and I decided to bring it downstairs – guess who was working again.

Once again I knocked on the door. It’s rude not to. We walk in and I proclaim, “I have more presents for you. This time it’s good. I think it’s candy.”

So he opens his tube and asks, “Was this from you?”

“No. I think Calgary sent it.”

He looks over at Michael. “This was your idea wasn’t it? Melinda’s not this nice.”

“It was my idea to bring it down here! Next time I’ll just call you and make you get it yourself!”

Michael’s face is bright red by this time. “Um … Melinda suggested it …”

Eddie continues emptying the tube. “Ah, so I have a secret admirer.”

“Does that surprise you.” I asked.

“Look at me. Of course not!”

By this time the conversation had ended and Eddie gave Michael the grand tour, this time featuring a cowboy hat and me. “There’s Melinda. We can’t seem to get rid of her.”

We all chatted for a while. Usually about the wierdos that find me. Finally Eddie declared, “I should make a movie about you! A somewhat normal girl that keeps finding herself in dumb situations.” He glances at Michael. “Tom Cruise can play you …”

I rolled my eyes. “Do I even want to know who you would get to play you?”

“I suppose Brad Pitt would do.”

I died laughing. He sent me an email once asking me to rate his hotness on a scale of 9-11; 9 being “your every day Brad Pitt type.” Once I stopped laughing I said, “Are you sure he’d cut it?”

“No. I might have to play myself.”

Finally I ended things by saying I needed to complete paperwork. I lied. I was already done, but the rumor mill was no longer hungry.

As I left his office I stopped and faced him. “I’ve come and visited you two nights in a row. No more complaints about me ignoring you.”

Grinning he shrugged. “I guess I can give you a week off.”

“You’re off next week.” I exclaimed. Our maintenance guys work seven on / seven off.

He smiled. “Like I said, I consider you a friend. You have a week off.”

Dork.

Augh. I can just hear them all talking now. Haha

The Game of Life

My youngest brother and I have an amazing, if not somewhat weird relationship. My entire family is really close knit.

Last night we were getting ready to play cards when I was like, “You know what was a fun game? The game of life.” — Which we promptly dugout and began playing.

I was an athlete. So much for that college education. Geoff was a salesman. When the time came for him to get married I asked him if he would like a boy or a girl. He picked a boy. I named him Sven. I looked at him and was like, “Geoff! I didn’t know.”
He grinned, “Yes, but I wear the pants in my relationship.”

By the time Geoff reached the “Buy a House” he had decided that he no longer wanted to be married to a man. We exchanged the tiles and I told him, “You do realize that it’s just Sven with a sex-change. Meet Svetlanna!”

Five tiles later, Svetlanna had been kicked out of the car and was dragged underneath it for the duration of the game.

I HATE Playing Games

Ever notice how life is all about playing games with people? There’s the Shut up and Smile game, the Suck Up to People in Power game, etc.

I hate them all.

Yesterday I had to sign a letter of expecation at work (I got written up) because I have called in sick nine times in six months. Call me crazy but I don’t think that’s excessive. If I’m sick, I’m sick. It’s not my fault diseased people cough on me all day. Airports are a germ lovers paradise.

So now if I get sick in the next six months I need to provide a doctor’s note. It’s not like I am paid on my sick days. So now I’ll just pull myself into work and die as I attempt to work.

What frustrates me the most is that I just had to sit there and smile and pretend I agreed with it. I had to play a game.

Outsider in My Own Home

I’m laying in my bed with the lights out claiming to be sick. In my defense, I don’t feel that well. In my parent’s defense I have definitely felt worse.

Oh Boxing Day. The day when (if I’m not working) I get to hang out with all of my dad’s relatives. I know I should be thankful to have a house full of aunts, uncles and cousins, but I’m not. I honestly think the prospect of spending Boxing Day with them is what makes me ill every year.

I’ve been bullied by two groups of people in my life – the friends who ditched me in grade five and my cousins.

It hurts more when it’s family.

What bothers me the most is that they don’t get it. Neither does my dad. I know it hurts him that I am down here ignoring them, but they ignored me for years so it’s only fitting. My uncle Steve and Aunt Ruth used to live in a mansion along the shores of the St. Lawrence river. It wasn’t quite movie star size, but it was bigger and more luxurious than anything I will own. Marble floors and a fireplace that extended two levels, with breathtaking views of the water. I can remember hiding in the formal living room while my cousins snuck off to Amy’s bedroom and locked me out while they phoned boys. The only time they let me in was if they wanted me to call someone or to make fun of me.

One time they brought my little brother into the basement, turned off the lights and chased him around until my mom found him screaming and in hysterics. It took him five years to get over his fear of the dark.

Now some of them are married with kids of their own and I know that they wonder why I never see them. Why I never write or acknowledge that we are related. But it’s a two way street and I don’t see them reaching out to me.

Whenever I’m around them I feel insignificant and like I am two feet tall. It’s not a feeling I relish, nor is it one that I wish to feel in my own home. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to put it all behind me … that day is not today.